What is ‘attachment’ and what do our children really want from us

I’m a single mum I know it well; there are at least 3 places to be at once, 5 things stressing me out, at least 3 serious fears that I am refusing to think about.

The pressure of the world is on our motherly shoulders; we are the provider, the discipline-er, the best friend and the role model — all in one!

And when our child starts acting up… it has already been a long day. It is both scary, annoying as hell and we wonder; am I doing it right? Will they ever stop?

We hear so much advice…

“Just ignore them and they will stop.”

“Look after yourself, if it gets too much leave the room.”

“Don’t make it a big deal, just distract them.“

“They are testing your boundaries, stick to your guns!”

I am here to tell you about how my mother’s own reaction to stress in her life got me to where I am today. We all wish for our children to be happy in life — to have supportive relationships where they are cared for and loved. Having a happy marriage, family life is never guaranteed but as we are on the journey of life, having the right attachment style can mean the difference between being on a treasure hunt and having the coordinates of the treasure trove.

My mother did not have an easy childhood, my grandmother did not show her much attention. Her first years was spent traveling between her two grandmas while her mother and father pursued big careers in the big city. I never did find out what made my grandmother think this way, but I know that she never showed my mother the love she showed her two younger brothers. When I was just a child of 8 years old she taught me how to diet and that my appearance is the key to getting by in the world.

My mother married late and tried for 2 years before I, her only child came along. Once I arrived, that my father became distant, the mother in law became more critical. My mother feeling completely isolated, blamed herself and tried harder and harder, blaming herself as hard as she could. I grew up shy, quietly and desperately craving attention from my two parents. As they ate separately, I ate with both of them, in attempt to scrape what warmth I could from each withdrawn adult.

I asked my mother to surprise me …with what? Anything — a boiled egg? She arranged it. …Somehow it was not quite the same. Decades later, I felt the same disappointment as I received a parcel she sent across the globe with a pair of jeans I forgot: no hand written note, no card, no stray chocolate that was thrown in with affection. Nothing — just exactly what I asked for, sent, accurately and promptly. …it is no big deal but to me it just felt a little empty.

Now undergoing psychiatric assessment while fighting for the custody of my infant son, I come face to face with the legacy I cary. I am judged to be melodramatic, ambivalent anxious and seeking validation. It says ‘she will experience anxiety both in and outside committed relationship’. For the first time, I understand, how I ended up in this relationship where I need to fight for custody in a situation which should be filled with love. It is a situation where I feel tempted to blame myself, to just try harder and to ‘take responsibility for’. I now understand why it was so tempting to skip the advanced courtship, why after dating the kindest men who seemed to me like boys, I fell head over heels into a relationship with an unavailable man. I wanted to get married, have a baby and be part of a dedicated union that comes with starting a family. I wanted to skip the parts which created anxiety for me.

All of this leads me to research attachment, where I read; ‘if the mother is inconsistent this leads the child to amplify their emotion to increase the chances of receiving attention which they seek’. I remember the times, my mother would tell me in my adulthood; you don’t need to cry right now. Through my tears I would try to explain how I genuinely cannot help it. That I am using all the skills I acquired through meditation and I just can’t help it — I just can’t stop my tears from falling and my stomach from heaving.

If the mother’s face is unresponsive then a mirror is a thing to be looked at but not looked into

— D. W. Winnicott (1971)

So what is good enough mothering?

‘Attachment is the way in which caregivers and infants connect with each other in times of stress.’

- Associate Professor Cathy McMan (Practical Research Parenting podcast on attachment)

The concept of ‘attachment’ was first proven with evidence from the animal world. Researchers found a set of behaviours which was the same for every species they studied. These ‘enable the infant to achieve closeness with their caregiver in order to achieve protection and safety.’

Further research found that coping habits identified in toddlers, in many cases remained with that person into adulthood. Even more freakishly a questionnaire of an expecting mother was able to predict the coping habits her child would use years later with stunning accuracy.

So how do infants and toddlers learn these coping strategies?

Cathy says, they look for ‘overall pattern of [the mother] being generally, predictably available in an emotional sense.’ She adds that they will take these expectations forward in life and apply them to their relationships in school; with friends and teachers and later in life.

I think it’s important that as mothers we pay attention to the keywords here:

OVERALL PATTERN — we all have moments where we may not be living up to our own ideals, this article is not meant to frighten you or give you something else to beat yourself over the head with. Our children look for the rule rather than for the exception and it is important that we don’t waste energy on self criticism but use it to look at the big picture.

PREDICTABLE — human are so wonderful, I think that this means that we can create the islands of being unavailable or of me-time to suit our individual situation. Say you starved for adult conversation — you can create a rule in your family, that when mummy meets Auntie Mary by the playground every week, this is time when she is having adult conversation and she is not to be interrupted. Or that when mummy is doing something important on her phone (trying to pay the dreaded power bill), you need to play on your own.

AVAILABLE IN AN EMOTIONAL SENSE — this means that there is no requirement to cater to every wish and request; baths need to be had, playschool is a requirement, it’s great that you want to play with mummy, but she is busy right now. It is a need to recognise our children’s emotions, not to pander to them.

Why is childhood important?

So our coping strategies can change - right?

Yes, and this is what psychotherapy is built on, as I have come to understand from David (author of Attachment in Psychotherapy), that the entire goal of seeing a therapist long term (over a number of years) is to recreate a healthy, healing, relationship in order to correct the automatic coping strategies that patients have. I have recently looked for therapy… it is bloody expensive!

£40+ per session, often with a suggestion of two sessions a week.

That is £4,160 per year!

This is a time when the brain is rapidly changing therefore what takes years and £1000’s to change later in life, can be achieved in months.

It is easier and less costly to form strong brain circuits during the early years than it is to “fix” them later in life.

What are the ways in which our children may learn to cope?

Act like everything is fine, even when its not (avoid seeking closeness)

These children will appear independent. When introduced to an unfamiliar room as toddlers, they do not appear to be distressed by their parent leaving the room. Upon their parent’s return they do not seek closeness. They seemed unaffected. However research we know that these children’s hearts race just like the ones of children who cry in those same situations — the stress reaction is the same but they preserve a cool and collected exterior.

Why? It is thought that this avoidant style of attachment is caused by a parent being emotionally unresponsive or discouraging when the child approach and reaches for contact, immediately redirecting them to play without acknowledging their feelings.

Benefits? One would think that these children appear to be competent and independent throughout life, and Cathy reminds us that these theories about ‘attachment’ don’t explain everything, they are really focused on looking at specifically ‘how you relate to others when you are under threat’.

Show more emotion others, pulling away while still needing closeness

Upon the return of the parent, this child would approach and seek closeness but once being held they may continue crying for a prolonged period of time or push the parent away without being able to return to exploration and play.

Why? Researchers have two ideas on what may cause such anxious or ambivalent style of attachment:
1. Inconsistently available parent; this is a parent who is unpredictably emotionally available, ie. the circumstances are the same but the parent’s response to the child constantly vary. Some think that the child develops this strategy to exaggerate their emotions to increase the likelihood that they receive the warmth that they crave from their parent.
2. ‘Parent who is very unsure and tentative about their ability to soothe or settle the child but maybe not provide quite enough support as the child needs’. This can be the case where you are trying to settle the child and you are just not in the right kind of emotional space and you may be too tired to go all the way.

Cathy summarised that it has been shown that individuals with avoidant or ambivalent attachment styles ‘tend not to form such close friendships in the school environment and they take that avoidant style into their interactions with their teachers. That they are more likely to have behavioural problems in school setting, like bullying and so on.’

Confident in talking and acting upon their feelings

These children were distressed by their parent leaving the room as toddlers, upon their return, they sought closeness and soon after resumed play.

Why? It is thought that this secure form of attachment is encouraged by parents who are confident in their ability to help their child cope with feelings. These parents tend to acknowledge the feelings, accept them, and using their facial expressions reflect these feelings back to the child (otherwise called mirroring).

Benefits? Research found these children to be well supported with social networks throughout life; able to make friends, seek support from teachers and peers and able to voice their emotions in a positive way.

Next, I will be writing about how a children use this foundation to learn about mind and empathy and what we can do to help them. I know you’re busy so you can subscribe here to be a part of the SSM community.

As Janet Lansbury says…

‘We can do this!’

Till next time…

Sources: huge thank you to…
Nicole for her amazing podcast; Practical Research Parenting which was part of the inspiration behind this article and her interview with Cathy McMahon Associate Professor at Macquarie University
as well as David for his book for practitioners; Attachment in Psychotherapy